Tell us about yourself and how many books you have written.
For 13 years I ran a behavioral management firm working with some of the largest organizations in the world. Then I discovered that my own relationship with my middle daughter wasn’t as great as I thought. I wondered if I was the only father this clueless about his relationship with his daughters. So I set out to interview other dads with daughters.
What I discovered was more profound than I could ever have imagined. This book takes you on this journey with me, into a world of joys and sadness that are too often misunderstood.
At first, I wasn’t planning on writing a book. But the interviews were too profound and I knew I needed to share them.
I was floored at all the people, mostly women, who talked about how the book changed their life, or was at least, a powerful influence. After 3 years of being interviewed and getting feedback and discussions about the book and father-daughter relationships,, I created this 2nd edition, which people seem to be raving about. It begins with revelation about a quirk in a man’s brain that is responsible for sabotaging relationships (are men brain damaged at birth), and goes on to explore the rarely-mentioned profound impact of fathers and daughters on each other.
I even explore famous dads and daughters, from Winston Churchill to Martin Luther Kink Jr. to Mark Twain, Paul McCartney to U.S. Presidents Trump and Obama, Supreme Court Justices to CEOs and more. Once you start looking, the influence of fathers and daughters is hard to miss.
What is the name of your latest book and what inspired it?
My book is, The Secret Life of Fathers (2nd Edition). When my middle daughter Lauren was 22, I learned about something terrible that happened to her when she was 6 years old… how she was thrown naked onto a baseball field and humiliated in front of our whole neighborhood. I was distressed and became overwhelmed with sadness and shame, that I had not been there for my baby. I sent her an email, saying I was ashamed that I had not been there for her, and wondered what else had happened to her growing up that I was not there for. I said I felt like a terrible father, that my career and her silence growing up meant I had never really gotten to know her.
She sent me a reply email. It simply said, “I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear this.”
Sobbing, I wondered what went wrong. How could I be so clueless about my relationship with my daughter. So I started talking to other fathers of daughters, to try and figure out what went wrong, and how I could be a better father. These interviews turned into a marathon, with more than 100 recorded, deeply intimate, 2-hour interviews with fathers of daughters.
These interviews became the basis for the book, and The Father-Daughter Project, which i founded to help improve the relationships between fathers and daughters worldwide.
I am deeply humbled by this work, and all the lives it’s touched.
Do you have any unusual writing habits?
Hahaha… unusual writing habits? Not really.
I do like reading my work out loud to others. That really helps. I was in a writers’ group for a while, where we read our new pages out loud to each other. After I got past my initial embarrassment, it was a really great exercise. Somehow, hearing the voice in your head is quite different from having you speak the words aloud to others, and getting feedback.
What authors, or books have influenced you?
How to Win Friends and Influence People was fabulous, especially because it wasn’t preachy, but instead, told stories to make its point.
I also loved Psycho-Cybernetics, where plastic surgeon Maxwell Maltz discovered that plastic surgery didn’t fix a person’s feelings of ugliness, because “ugliness” is in the mind. This was powerful to me, even life-changing — how much of our self-perception is inside our own head, andf that we could change it.
I don’t mean this as self-serving but, my own book has also influenced me. Actually, it’s the interviews. I learned so much about myself, about men and what they/we are going through. That quote – “Men live lives of quiet desperation…” I got that feeling from many of the dads. But I also got joy and excitement, like a door opening, where I suddenly started understanding something profound about myself, how I had been screwing up, especially with my daughters.
But don’t get me wrong. I ain’t perfect! Not by a long shot. But the journey’s been great, and the privilege of doing this work… wow!
What are you working on now?
Mostly promoting my book, The Secret Life of Fathers (2nd Edition).
I have two books in the wings. The Definition of Insanity, based on mind-blowing true events that few people are aware of. It should raise the hairs on the back of everyone’s neck at how something so incredibly awful could happen. And another, a screenplay called Insecticide, about prejudice from something completely unexpected…
But for now, it’s all about fathers and daughters.
What is your best method or website when it comes to promoting your books?
Radio interviews have been great. Awesome actually! I’ll probably start doing TV and that will also probably be great too. I love the instant feedback, from the host or hosts, and even from the audience.
It was on a radio show that the host screamed out, “That explains so much! I always knew men were brain damaged!” This was her response to something physiological that happens to boys in the womb. Her response was so amazingly funny, I shared it on other interviews and it got so much traction, it became one of my themes for the book. That’s something you get from being live in front of real people, instead of sitting, staring at a computer screen.
Do you have any advice for new authors?
Do what you love. Follow your passion. Listen to that inner voice, The Holy Ghost, or whatever you want to call it. There’s a voice inside you, telling you deep down, where your passion is. Let that guide you as an author. If it fascinates and excites you, it will excite others. And even if it doesn’t, you will feel fulfilled!
What is the best advice you have ever heard?
Michael Crichton. He woke up early EVERY day and wrote for one hour. If he was on a roll, he’d write for longer. If not, after an hour, he’d stop. With 1 hour-a-day he became one of the most prolific and successful writers of our time. Go Jurassic Park!!!
If he could do it with one-hour-a-day (especially mornings, when our mind is freshest), any of us can!!!
What are you reading now?
Hahaha… What am I reading now? The questions in this interview…
An Incomplete Education; Essential Philosophy; Ted Talks – The Official Guide to Public Speaking; I loved the Steve Jobs Book.
What’s next for you as a writer?
Promoting the book mostly.
If you were going to be stranded on a desert island and allowed to take 3 or 4 books with you what books would you bring?
Philosophy – an Illustrated History of Thought; American Proverbs; The 2548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said; The Small Big – Small Changes That Spark Big Influence; Predictably Irrational; Design of Dissent (graphics that moved people to change the world).
I’d probably also want a book of How-To-Escape-A Deserted Island book — lol
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